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> Roleplay under construction, (merged with the Ninty topic)
Corsair
post Oct 2 2007, 12:58 AM
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QUOTE (Team Black @ Oct 1 2007, 10:16 AM) *
In 2006, I also won a local playwright contest (6 plays chosen out of more than 100, to perform at Geva Theatre)


I entered in several things like that. Never won lol.gif


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Vintriaz
post Oct 3 2007, 12:42 AM
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Well I took a look at what all had been modded with my story posts by you TB. What I see, I can honestly say I like. I guess I was worried that you'd make him into a drone of a character. I'm glad I was dead wrong. Now I think I'm in for a challenge to meet your standard of writing. wink1.gif


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Who do you respect more? The soldier striking with a sword, or the soldier hidding behind the trigger of a gun? I'll use what I must as the situation calls for it, but I have my preferences... The Sword.

R.I.P. Chrome Hounds.
Voxels:
ARES MECH, Hail-fire droid, Malstrom Sea Skimmer & Malstrom Heavy Bomber, Klingon bird of prey, Mammoth mk3 Silox Project Lancil project Project Battlefield
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Nintyuk
post Oct 3 2007, 04:21 PM
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NintyUK's MK.II charachter rewite

As requested by Team Black
Me, Vintraz & Lightstorm are going to redo the scene were Krissy meets Kriassin and the following time after that,
up to the point were the Roleplay was paused possibly continuing a bit further on.

If you must comment please do so in blue
when we do parts of the rewrite they will be in our MK.II coulors
NintyUK is orange
Vintraz is Turquoise
Lightstorm is lime

thanks!


This post has been edited by Nintyuk: Oct 3 2007, 04:23 PM


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Team Black
post Oct 3 2007, 06:03 PM
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Myself, I never liked the idea of a cat lady in the roleplay. It's not CNC at all.
Even worse is all the complex story involved in how she got that way, and it's distracting a lot from the main story, which is Oxanna's attack to get the disruptor crystals. (Yeah, remember her?)
I had to put her on the back burner to accomodate for all this extra drama that people feel is necessary to involve their characters in. It doesn't need to be that way, folks.
The goal is to be as simple and straightforward as possible.


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Nintyuk
post Oct 3 2007, 06:28 PM
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exscuse me team black? i said above any comments need to be in blue so could that be changed for neatness ,and also i thought the point of the roleplay was to have fun not to just write a 'simple and straightforward as possible' story that conforms to all the rules of one person?


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Lightstorm
post Oct 3 2007, 06:57 PM
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personally TB I think Oxanna is not going to get her crystals. I Kinda planned on having her and GDI eventually team up to stop Shaw later on. sort of parallelling the team up between them elsewhere. I have no problem with having the catgirl in it (of course not I'm an anime fangirl) I don't want this roleplay to just have it be "they win the end" we could in theory keep this going for a long, long time.

as for the rewrite, I pmed this to TB but I can post it to TB and I don't have it saved in my inbox anymore. he can post it when/if he deems it nessesary.


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Team Black
post Oct 3 2007, 09:57 PM
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QUOTE (Roleplay @ 1st page)
expect we're all respectable intelligent people with creative minds, so let's see if we can get a good story together, keeping nonsense to a minimum OK
...
feel free to stretch the TS storyline a little, like giving Nod a navy and such like DaTS did in his other story(within reason though of course roll.gif try not to go off the deep end )
try and maintain the storyline, and keep a plan on how to get your character involved in it - find clever ways to interlink your characters with other people's, or other stuff that happened in TS ~

And yea, have fun, be creative, let's see if we can make a cool CNC story XD
...
>Build up to the action. Don't start right in the middle of a battle, but start developing your character, how they act, so that the reader will be curious to see how your character will react to a confrontation when it arises.
>No "Godmodding" - don't control other people's characters without permission.
>Stay in context. Be sure to read the story so you don't accidentally bring back any dead characters or anything
>Grammar is essential, though I don't think that will be a big problem.

Writing is an art, not everyone is good at it. If you know you're probably going to drop a wrecking ball onto the story, then please, be content to JUST READ IT and enjoy, and give any comments you feel so inclined to leave (in blue, of course wink1.gif )
If I edit any of your stuff, please don't feel offended. I'm just trying to keep everything working together as smoothly as possible OK


By writing in my roleplay, I'm expecting you to agree to these rules, which are listed on the first page. Really, it's not too much to ask - everyone else seems to understand them. And if you can't take criticism, it's another point against you on top of your incoherent spelling and horrable grammar, with a confusing, distracting, badly written plot.
I've said it 100000 times, you can go ahead and make your own role play at any time, and put in whatever oddities that enter your mind.

Most of all, I want to open up the roleplay again and continue the story, but I can't move on until I decide what to do with your character. I can't have the plot go on like you want, it just doesn't fit in the story at all. By a far stretch, it could be a part of Shaw's mission, but even then it still adds a lot of confusion. And, cat girls belong in teeny bopper cutsie anime cartoons, it takes away a whole honking chunk of the gritty apocalyptic CNC feel that we want in this story.

Lightstorm took the liberty of trying to rewrite a section:
QUOTE (lights)
Krissy got up from her folding chair outside the juggernaut and stood up stretching.
"I'm going for a walk." she said.
"You should wait." one of the other pilots said. "I think Snazzicoff was looking for you."
"Tell him to shove it." she said getting up. Snazzicoff was always being overly careful of her, make sure to take you meds, don't stay out to long you'll catch a cold... he was worse then her mother.
She started hiking back to the base, the cold ground hurt her feet and she'd been getting an odd headache lately I'll have to have Snazzicoff look at that she thought, rubbing the throbbing spot on her temple. as she approached the base she saw a plane fly overhead and come down steeply. it looked like an old A-10, weird I wonder what A-10's are doing still flying. then it occurred to her. She'd never seen or heard of an A-10 before, so how did she know that is what it was called? her head hurt worse but she kept going, something about that plane had a strange pull. she walked down the deserted streets to the spot the plane had crashed. Her head was pounding, she thought she might pass out from the pain but she kept going.
Krissy ran her hands gently over the polished surface of the plane, caressing the smooth burnished steel. The plane was like a long lost friend, but she'd never seen it before. She nearly cried looking at the mangled undercarriage but it was minor damage, she could fix it. how? how can I fix it? I don't know how, but I do know! she climbed up onto the top and looked in the cockpit, cluttered with random trinkets, she'd never seen any of this stuff before, but she knew all of it by heart, that was the old bobble head she'd gotten in Japan, even though she'd never been there, there were the dogtags of her squad mates, whom she'd never met and yet knew as if they were her best friends, there was the purple heart she'd gotten when she'd been shot in the leg, even though there was no scar, the pain and her head was white hot, she couldn't think straight, what was going on? who's plane is this? is it mine? how can if be? I've never seen it before! but I've flown it! I know these controls by heart! everything seemed warped, off balance, she heard someone shouting at her but she couldn't understand them, their voice was warbled as if underwater. she stumbled to the edge of the plane and fell off. Rising unsteadily to her feet she looked up at a person's face, her face, but no it was a man's face, she wasn't a man, and he was older.
"AReee yoooU okaAYYY? she heard him say. and when she heard his voice, her voice, something in her snapped. her brain just shut off and she ran, running on all fours, going faster then any person should be able to, out of the base into the woods. she didn't think, she didn't stop, she just ran.


My critique: I appreciate the effort Lightstorm, it's a big improvement from what it was before.
I know you're trying to copy Ninty's way of having her magically start remembering stuff, but that's one of the big things I wanted to avoid.
That, and her random running off. That's really bad, I won't tolerate that at all. She is way too insecure to be a soldier.
Like I said before, I could picture this all legitimately plausible in some anime cartoon or something, but
THIS IS NOT ANIME!!!
Someone in the military will have to have integrity, regardless of male or female. I would even expect military women to have more integrity than men, to put up with being hit on all the time - lonely guys in stressful situations is a bad combination- which is why in REALITY, you'll find considerably less enlisted females than males (in our roleplay, it seems like ALL our recent characters are female roll.gif )
Ramsden was an excellent example of an army woman - she was strong, brave, held her own as the only female among a whole troop of males. Props to Corsair, though I wish he didn't kill her off..

In conclsion: I can't keep Krissy's story as it is, and it'll really take too much time and effort to make it all work.
I just want to finish editing the story, so we can all continue.
I really have no reason to not kill Krissy off at this point for all our sakes, except that I'm a nice guy.
Your recent behavior has worn that factor pretty thin as well...

This post has been edited by Team Black: Oct 3 2007, 10:03 PM


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Lightstorm
post Oct 4 2007, 12:00 AM
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I'd like to request taking over Ninty's character. I have a plan for her, he won't like it at all but it will work.

also justification for what I put:
1. her running off allows the story to proceed without too much impediment and rewriting.
2. if you’ll wait until further sections you’ll see that she doesn’t get her memories back, however the encounter with her doppelganger combined with her not getting her “meds” from Snazzicoff is what drives her over the edge, she can’t remember anything about her erased existence as a nod experiment but when they wiped over it with Krissian’s memories they glassed over a bunch of stuff so she wouldn’t be able to tie memories to experiences that didn’t happen. They didn’t know it but Snazzicoff’s drug suppressed them further, however when she didn’t take them it weakened her mind state and allowed those implanted memories to resurface. But even this wouldn’t bother her too much, she’d have some weird feelings and a headache but nothing worse. It was the COMBINATION of Krissian’s appearance and her missing her meds that allowed Krissian’s implanted memories to resurface and basically drive her insane, she couldn’t help herself. I plan to go over that later in the story to explain it.
3. if all else fails her mutations don’t HAVE to be cat related.

I have a plan on how to connect it with Shaw, don't worry


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Team Black
post Oct 4 2007, 12:39 AM
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Well you definitely have the 'believability' factor, I think - everything pretty much has a justifiable explanation..
except for the reason she's even in GDI, if she's as unstable as all that..

I'm still worried that all this is still too distracting to the actual story. It might be different if the story and plot revolves around Krissy, but they don't.

I was going to propose we make her into an ordinary tiberium mutant, but that wouldn't work either, with her being in GDI and being allowed to pilot one of its newest weapons.

Let's make her a normal human being with no special powers - just a tank pilot. She piloted titans, and was later asked to operate Juggernauts. Nice and straightforward.
Since the cat thing hasn't really affected the story up till this point, it shouldn't be too hard to edit it (leastwise, easier than any other of the options we've thought of IMO)


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Lightstorm
post Oct 4 2007, 01:01 AM
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well I do have a plan for the cat thing but if you want to wipe it go ahead, however I can justify the reason for her being allowed to pilot the mechs

no one knows. up until she was subjected to the present scenario she acts perfectly normal and certainly well enough to be in GDI.


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Team Black
post Oct 4 2007, 03:32 AM
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If one thing has to go, it's the cat thing roll.gif

Ninty, would you mind typing up a new bio of a normal tank pilot, and where she came from?

I'll plug it into your first RP post, and accommodate the RP around that


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Nod Strike
post Oct 4 2007, 01:31 PM
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If you make her a tank pilot, a lot of things will have to be changed. I wouldn't.


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Lightstorm
post Oct 4 2007, 01:49 PM
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by the cat thing i meant the mutantness, not being a catgirl nesseasrily. Please let me work with it before just deciding now whether to let her stay or not


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Team Black
post Oct 4 2007, 02:16 PM
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They'd really need a good explanation though for why GDI has an enlisted mutant (you can pretty much tell in the TS/FS FMVs that GDI wouldn't have mutants in their ranks.), and further, a mutant that is trusted to pilot one of their newest mechs in combat..


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Nod Strike
post Oct 4 2007, 02:29 PM
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Fine, make her a human, but don't make her a titan pilot. It's too well dug in that she's a jugger pilot.


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Nintyuk
post Oct 4 2007, 04:17 PM
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Ok I’ve brainstormed a couple of possible ways of redoing the part in question and this is the best one.
1. First thing I would do is remove all my stuff back to my post were you said it needed to be redone and only keep the begging part of that post up to the point were there running over to the plane (you did still keep a copy of that didn’t you? Just in case that every one else disagreed with you and got you to put it back how it was?)
2. Then instead of her remembering any thing Kriassin gets whisked off to the command tent with ward and she stays behind and gets a funny feeling around the plane, as she’s hanging around the plane Snazlikoff turns up and tells her to follow her to the war factory
3. But after following him for a while through the hussle & bussle of the base realises that there going in the wrong direction in to the deserted part of the base,
4. But before she can enquire they turn a corner and she see’s a subterranean APC and is ambushed by nod soldiers, knocked out and bundled in to the APC.
5. Now there would be a short bit as Snazlikoff as he happily walks back to the base but the he would be killed as a GDI solider by the snipers
6. Now at the most recent point in time, she would come round wired and clamped to a bed and would notice that she’s on a boat by the swinging light bulb, although she can’t see there is a glass window on one wall which has a viewing area behind and Shaw is just sitting down there, she would with her sensitive hearing overhear a conversation with cabal who has started the procedure without permission, Lightstorm could handle that.
7. After this she would here cabals voice in her head as he accesses it to see what state it’s in and in the process reveal some of what’s going on and would
de-repress some of her memories, then she would be moved using hydraulics so she was facing Shaw and they would have a conversation with Shaw explaining all.
8. And finally cabal would re-enter her mind and overwrite all that’s there with “her original programming” but because he’s now free willed he wasn’t being to careful and missed some of the old stuff which will re-surface later on.


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Lightstorm
post Oct 4 2007, 06:55 PM
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TB she's not visibly a mutant, from looking at her she looks normal, and if her fictional history that she was raised by the scientists is to be believed any oddities about her could be explained easily by that.

Ninty part of my idea is that Shaw doesn't know anything about her, Snazicoff or any of that, her soldiers wouldn't help her capture, her orders will to remove GDI from the area at all costs, perhaps they get a call from Snazicoff and have an APC go to get them but they find GDI soldiers, shoot them both of them, Krissy is knocked out and wounded, Snazicoff is killed.


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Nintyuk
post Oct 4 2007, 07:15 PM
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QUOTE (Lightstorm @ Oct 4 2007, 07:55 PM) *
TB she's not visibly a mutant, from looking at her she looks normal, and if her fictional history that she was raised by the scientists is to be believed any oddities about her could be explained easily by that.

Ninty part of my idea is that Shaw doesn't know anything about her, Snazicoff or any of that, her soldiers wouldn't help her capture, her orders will to remove GDI from the area at all costs, perhaps they get a call from Snazicoff and have an APC go to get them but they find GDI soldiers, shoot them both of them, Krissy is knocked out and wounded, Snazicoff is killed.


Sure that’s why I didn't start writing it so it could be changed to fit in more maybe it could be Professor J or some thing but my plan is that she becomes a Nod solider (seeming there is a lacking in Nod characters) even if its just temporary that’s why I left a little bit of her old self there.

Also the only reason I made her a tiberium mutant was so Team Black was happy that she fitted in to Command and Conquer more. But now i've decided almost to change my characters history so it sounds better and is more logical because the old one was a bit of a stretch. This new history makes more sense and could be fitting in the Command and Conquer story line because the last nod fire storm FMV contained clones/people wired to Cabal/experiments so Krissy is a possible previous/future member of that crowd.

I don't (apart from the grammar rule) think I actually broke any of the first posts rules so I didn't know what the problem was to start off with but I am working to simplify my characters transition.

This post has been edited by Nintyuk: Oct 4 2007, 07:32 PM


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Team Black
post Oct 4 2007, 07:56 PM
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Well, it's an improvement. I appreciate your effort here, but I still have some issues:
-you need direction, and purpose. Krissy is doing a lot of useless wandering and hanging out in places, while the rest of everyone is working hard to secure the base, and establish a perimeter.
Everyone seemed to forget the chain of command in pages 5 and 6.. doing things on their own, all on some random impulse. That's one of the thins I wanted to get straight.

Secondly, you're using a lot of cliche's here, waking up strapped to a chair, overhearing the bad guys talk the plot to themselves.

If your goal is to make her into a Nod soldier, there's a much more straightforward, impersonal way you can do it.
Keep her in the juggernaut, minding the perimeter - when Shaw's artillery attack, her tank gets severely damaged, and she's forced to bail. She meets up with one of the GDI sniper teams to get one of her wounds treated, when a group of cyborg reapers show up. They shoot a net and take Krissy and those around her, and load them onto a sub APC. Some GDI are able to react and deliver damage to the cyborg group, but it's too little too late when the APC burrows back under ground. Krissy is still conscious, trapped in the Reaper's hardcore net and is thrown in the back with the others that were captured.
After what seems like of hours, laying immobile on a hard metal floor in a dark APC, hardly lighted, one could only see the enormous shadows the cyborgs cast as they loomed over the prisoners.
*maybe a random conversation among the prisoners*
*maybe one of them gets free from his net, but is shot*
Then the APC went vertical - the Nod passengers were strapped in, but Krissy and her comrades slid to the back, hitting more hard steel. When the APC got out of its burrow, it leveled quickly, throwing them all back on the floor. The APC's back door was thrown open, and the cyborgs carried them to a hand of Nod. They put her in a tube, while they implant tiberium into her bloodstream. She is conscious, but can't move - completely immobile.

Next post:
*They take her out of the tube. Explain what horrors Krissy experiences as they turn her into a cyborg - implanting her with tiberium, then replacing parts of her body with cybernetic components, then finally she loses consciousness as diabolical looking cutting tools dig into her head.
Spoiler for Ninty and Lightstorm ONLY: She then wakes, thinking nothing but hatred for all the human race, and loyalty to... CABAL!

No one will talk to her after she leaves the APC and is split up from her comrades. There won't be any Schnazzlekof OR that other evil doctor guy - It will be very impersonal: she won't know where they're leading her or what it means, until the last segment, when they put the actual cybernetic components on her. This will give the reader a nice feeling of seclusion for Krissy, as she's getting all these horrifying things done to her.

With this, I can tie it well into the next major stage in this story, and so it won't slow down our primary plot with unnecessary drama etc.
An ordinary pilot performing her normal duty, is randomly abducted and turned to a cyborg.
Just so I can finish editing the story sometime this month, this is what we're going to go with (though I'm going to wait for some feedback before I put it into motion..)

This post has been edited by Team Black: Oct 4 2007, 08:00 PM


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Nintyuk
post Oct 4 2007, 08:16 PM
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you guys may or may not know but a lot of descussion is happening over here
http://www.tiberiumweb.com/forums/index.ph...amp;#entry29975


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Team Black
post Oct 4 2007, 08:42 PM
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topics merged roll.gif


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Lightstorm
post Oct 4 2007, 09:27 PM
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I'd not do that, its just cruel, maybe they take her to soon scientist for Cabal and he does a test, finds her results to be interesting and ships her off to Shaw.


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Team Black
post Oct 4 2007, 09:52 PM
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I really want to avoid any "oh she has a special implant in her brain; she was the unknown experiment; she's some gigantasmic anomaly."
Zen fulfills that role enough as it is, and I'm going along with it with some protest... we really don't need two of them.


Well if Ninty wants her to turn Nod, the only real way is to have her become a brainwashed cyborg.
This isn't a cartoon, this is a post apoc gritty mutated world, with a cybernetic mastermind on the brink of going AWOL.
At this point, I want to put more of a focus on the cyborgs, so we can keep it more consistent with the time line in the Firestorm campaign.

I want it to be like normal people trying to survive in an abnormal world. What happens has to feel real, even if it's still only possible in sci fi.


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Lightstorm
post Oct 4 2007, 10:11 PM
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what if they make her into a Cabal Siren, that picture of the glowing unit we saw in the C&C3 concept art. I really don't wat to see Ninty's character have that done to her.
I figured the interesting thing they find would be that she has something different about her, they find her interesting for the same reason they kidnapped the children they did, something specific about their DNA structure or bloodtype.
maybe have...wait I've got it, what if she just betrays them? what if something awful happened to her, something that would make her hate GDI as much as any Nod loyalist.
that just means something really bad has to happen to her, maybe have Snazicoff try and rape her, she kills him in self defense, they stick her in the brig to await trial, one of the guards is a friend of Snazzicoff's he beats her up then tries to rape her, but she gets his gun and shoots him, they say she's a traitor and plan on having her killed. thats when the attack on the base starts. a shell hits the prison, a Nod soldier finds her and thinks she was a captured Nod soldier. in the dark and the snowstorm its impossible to tell otherwise. then when they finally realize she's GDI she tells them what happened and gives them lots of information on the base and weakpoints on the vehicles etc, in exchange for letting her fight for Nod,


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Team Black
post Oct 5 2007, 02:26 PM
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I'd rather have her turn to a borg than raped.
And, if there's any rape in this story, it'll be for a dam good reason to the story, and be written only by college level writers (pretty much either me or Corsair).
It's something I don't want to have taken lightly, even if we have things like killing not taken as seriously (although that should as well, except for describing the desensitization of the soldiers, as they see it so often)

And... even so, it wouldn't really make her hate GDI and defect - it would make her hate Snazlkoff for sure, and perhaps the male gender, but it really wouldn't make her defect.
If one of the U.S. troops was sexually assaulted by a comrade, she probably wouldn't go join up with the Iraqi insurgents..

I'm really anxious to continue editing, if she wants to turn Nod, she'll be a borg.

This post has been edited by Team Black: Oct 5 2007, 03:14 PM


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Lightstorm
post Oct 5 2007, 03:54 PM
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maybe she was just a spy all along and Snazzicoff is loyal to GDI. flip it around. but I still say don't make her a cyborg, thats a path I really don't like the idea of going down.
perhaps make it so she is like shaw, a bio android, built by Cabal like Shaw was the bio droid's body looks normal right down to the cellular level, a perfectly normal person, some bio droids could know what they are, while others could be sleeper agents, perfectly normal and human unit the moment of activation, at which point they activate, the cells under their skin harden into an armor harder then steel and they become a killing machine. when Cabal goes rogue he activates the bots in both GDI and Nod armies in a coordinated strike against all humanity.


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Team Black
post Oct 5 2007, 06:18 PM
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Let's meet in the middle - howabout they still capture her, inject her with the tiberium, and put her in the tube to get the mutation to sink in..
BUT
The facility will get raided by either GDI, or mutants before they turn her into a borg. She's rescued, but now she's a mutant.

So that way, she'll become a mutant like you guys wanted, and we can still use it to help the transition into CABAL's betrayal.

And shaw CAN NOT be a CABAL- built android. first of all, it's not CABAL's style.
Secondly, it's way too much of a plot twist.
Thirdly, it totally messes up another thing I have planned.
Fourthy, it's another one of those cliches we want to avoid..


This post has been edited by Team Black: Oct 5 2007, 06:20 PM


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Lightstorm
post Oct 5 2007, 06:45 PM
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Shaw isn't an android, she's a cyborg whose outside appearance was left human, I've had it planned that way since the beginning TB, she's working for CABAL and I don't plan on changing that unless I have an extremely compelling reason to do so.


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Team Black
post Oct 5 2007, 07:07 PM
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MSN. now. cool2.gif


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Corsair
post Oct 6 2007, 01:14 AM
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Care to share anything about the new Krissy, Ninty?

This post has been edited by Corsair: Oct 6 2007, 01:18 AM


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