Roleplay under construction, (merged with the Ninty topic) Options

[Nod Strike]

Let's do something to pass the time...

explain our characters past?

[Corsair]

My guys are super elite WTFBBQ soldiers that like to crash orcas and summon superweapons from their ass

[Nintyuk]

Let's do something to pass the time...

explain our characters past?

i might be able to do that if i could accsess my role play posts
soz about the smily abuse

[Lightstorm]

My guys are super elite WTFBBQ soldiers that like to crash orcas and summon superweapons from their ass

thats nothing compared to mine, i have:

Zen, a 19 year old starfox l33t pilot who's probably going to crash quite a few orcas and is an agnsty emo drama queen

Shaw, insane admiral who likes killing her own troops and can build superweapons out of toothpaste and gum.

Arriana, ubber l33t sniper girl who just got pwned by Ward.

[Team Black]

well we haven't had a pilot yet who hasn't crash landed in their introduction ... or, did much good afterwards

[Lightstorm]

don't worry, Zen will be back in the air soon enough.

[Nintyuk]

short and sweet? ill try that
Krissy/K.I.T.TY: A Juggernaut test poilet and team leader, has a dark past and misterious mutations making her have a cat like apperance. She finds out that past when the real owner of her supposed real name quite litrally crashes in to her life.

Snazlikoff: A member of the 3 man team of juggernaut prototypes, and the holder of the skimatics untill he handed them over to hammerfest. He's really a black hand spy there to gather intelligence on the Juggernaut and to keep an eye on the K.I.T.TY by keeping her druged with memory repressnts until he can get her back in to Nod hands.

Professor J: A sicentist working on the limpit drone and father figure to Krissy.
ill continue this tomorow

[Team Black]

I'm not changing the actual story, just how it comes into play.

Vintriaz, I'm making it that your squadron was called in by General Cortez from Southern Cross, after McNeil contacted him in Hammerfest 2A, asking for pilots. It's a good fit - much better than randomly showing up and crashing into the base.

I'm also getting McNeil & the base command more involved here, giving Hammerfest more structure. Since Black is in the communications center, I'll have him doing flight control for the base (till they can get their airforce assembled)

editing is going slow, but it's going to be worth it

[Lightstorm]

I hope so I wanna add moar nao!!

[Team Black]

OK I'm done editing for tonight, I'm going to leave it visible so you guys can get a feel for what I've done so far, and maybe offer some feedback

I've only gotten halfway through page 5, all the posts that say 'last edited by team black' were the ones I edited

This post has been edited by Team Black: Sep 30 2007, 01:21 AM

[Lightstorm]

*shoots Team Black with laser for not unlocking it so we can add more*
pew pew pew

[Vintriaz]

Vintriaz, I'm making it that your squadron was called in by General Cortez from Southern Cross, after McNeil contacted him in Hammerfest 2A, asking for pilots. It's a good fit - much better than randomly showing up and crashing into the base.
editing is going slow, but it's going to be worth it

I thought I had fixed it so cortez called us, but oh well. I don't mind. I'll take a look at what's new later. I'm certain its gonna be awsome when your done editing. or something like that, but who knows. I sure don't.

*shoots Team Black with laser for not unlocking it so we can add more*
pew pew pew

? I must be too out of it to understand right now. Off to bed I go. Then I'll figure out the history of Kriassin After I've seen the modifications.

[Nod Strike]

I see numerous problems with the whole orca - A10 business. You missed some 'A10s'.

[Nintyuk]

Having Krissy magically find documents that reveals her past is poor writing. You have to thing of a more believable way that she can discover her past-
And make it subtle, piece by piece. Don't rush it or it'll sound like, "I was experimented on as a child an never figured out where I'm from. I'm going to run away! wait, here's a random paper. I guess it was a Nod scientist. OK, life goes on"
Also, having a character think the plot out to themself is not a good way to get it across to the reader.
It might be good in comic books, but in stories it's a bad thing to do. Try to avoid this in the future
-Team Black

I was trying to link up with corsair's papers from the damaged helicopter, there not magically found she was wondering about for ages taking the lost papers from the trees and looking at them and it seems logical that there might be some thing on the lab were she was discovered especially if its the main archive. But I did, as you said, want to reveal it bit by bit but there were a few people confused with what was happening with my character so I decided to sort some thing out so I could explain what was happening
And get my character back in to the story ASAP because no one else would of tried. Also she wasn’t experimented on as a child. she never was a child of any description she was grown in a tube until she was a young adult sized creature, then linked up to cabal so she could be quickly given the learning that she would of missed as a child. Also she thought she was experimented on when she was working with GDI as a titan poilet and the captured when on a mission to protect some scientists but that was all fake apart from the mission and the lab they were taken to.

I wanted to have my character discover her self so her hidden strengths could be revealed and her new character layout could come into affect. But we could have it that she finds out the details from Nod when she’s re-captured. Lights was supposed to capture Krissy and take her to meet with Shaw and then now have it explained to her. After that she would hooked back up to cabal on one of the ships so she can be given the final training and turned in to a heartless killer but because of GDI’s implanted memories she sill has some of her good side which will eventually turn her back against Nod

[Corsair]

I was trying to link up with corsair's papers from the damaged helicopter, there not magically found she was wondering about for ages taking the lost papers from the trees and looking at them and it seems logical that there might be some thing on the lab were she was discovered especially if its the main archive.

Yea, I have no problems with that. The whole thing happened at Hammerfest 2A but a wind current could have carried it back towards Hammerfest 1

[Nintyuk]

If Corsair agrees then i don't see any point in changing it, do you guy's agree?

[Lightstorm]

well personaly I thought that whole deal with you discovering your past was confusing.

[Nintyuk]

It was Kinda confusing but my charachter was kinda confused as well so if your confused that could mean im a really good wrighter because i can make you feel the same way as my charachter.....or not .

I could change it but it would take a awful lot of work and it may take me a couple of days to find the time to do it and work it all out. And also it would have to advance the story a bit as well because she would have to be captured and then she could have it explained to her or just explained to the ranking Nod commander so the commander could work out what needs to be done.

I just want to get on with the story and get her to become EVIL..ish

[Corsair]

It was Kinda confusing but my charachter was kinda confused as well

Thats why I chose simple characters

[Team Black]

Ninty, I appreciate your imagination, but you need to bring it back down to earth.
Just seeing a plane fly by and hearing the name "Kriassin", makes her run off in some random direction, all of the sudden remembering things.
Then, magcially finding the papaers that Ward dropped, and then finding out OMG itz the evil doctor!!1
not only that, but your spelling and grammar is simply intolerable.

For the sake of the story, I'm editing pretty much all of that. Random flashbacks, people thinking out the plot to themselves, and improbable ways of having characters find answers are really really bad ways to write a story.

You don't even need all this complex drama and stuff - that really only confuses it. Just look at Corsair, he's using just a grunt infantry we know almost nothing about, and he's got the most interesting story of all of us IMO..

I understand story writing isn't everyone's strength, but I don't want this continue and take away from the well written work of those who do.
At this point, it's up to you if you want to back out - it's no shame, and it's just as entertaining to to read the story as it is to write it
If you still can't seem to get it though, you're going to have to stop on my call. I can't keep editing all your errors, and it's really lagging the quality of our story.
If you still feel the urge to write, by all means make your own story, and put whatever you want in it - but I want to keep this a nicely written and interesting roleplay.

This post has been edited by Team Black: Sep 30 2007, 10:24 PM

[Corsair]

Just look at Corsair, he's using just a grunt infantry we know almost nothing about

Hm, maybe I should mention some of their history (if no one has already seen it)

This is Ward's bio. from the beginning and it covers some of his life before he came to Hammerfest:

Name: Sergeant Chris Ward
FACTION: GDI
JOB: Squad Leader - Light Infantry
LOCATION: Snow covered bunker nearby Hammerfest
BIO: He joined a milita that was formed by a confederation of local towns and villages, it was formed to route out the "invading" shiners. He soon found that the shiners were not bloodthirsty beasts. He wanted to help the shiners and his family and friends by joining a far larger organization, and something with a much larger money base than a bunch of rag-tag border towns. He had originally sought to join Nod, to whom he tells no one in a normal conversation; however, the GDI was a far easier organization to find. He ranked up to Sergeant before being reassigned to Hammerfest, and unfortunately he hasn't been able to do much of anything to help his towns since he left several months ago.

Heres something for Sergeant McGaven, I found it on Page One of the RP:

Corporal McGaven was being the walker that he is, he didn't like sitting for too long. He had only taken one turn to rest on the hover vehicles. He was really deep in thought, not even thinking about everyone around him. Not much anyway. He was thinking about home, Ireland. A family eating a nice hot dinner, praying for their son who was at war. Unfortunately, it wasn't his family. His father was more than likely never at the house. He had several brothers, but most died in a plane crash from a trip to Spain long ago. His mother and girlfriend with them. His only remaining family member was his last brother, Cathal McGaven. Even that is nothing to celebrate, he disappeared a couple months ago. He only knew by the letter he got from his father back home. His father found a letter by Cathal saying that he was leaving home to find himself. Whatever he meant by it he had more than likely only found his maker.

Ward can't wait to get back to his life while McGaven wants to stay as far away as he can from home

This post has been edited by Corsair: Oct 1 2007, 12:36 AM

[Team Black]

OK, a grunt infantry no one cares to know about

[Corsair]

OK, a grunt infantry no one cares to know about

Ouch

This post has been edited by Corsair: Oct 1 2007, 01:16 AM

[Lightstorm]

I can help Ninty if he needs and help, and if he drops out I'll take over his character

[Team Black]

I don't want to speak for Ninty, i don't think he'd like what I'm asking here.
I've just taken a look at trying to edit his story (pages 5-6), and there's little I can do to fix it up, save for an all out rewrite.
There are just so many problems with this story, it'll take too much effort to get it right.

All the added drama is drawing away from the actual story, and it doesn't fit very well at all.
This was a mission by Oxanna to get Hammerfest's disruptor crystals. Introducing Admiral Shaw disrupted the story a lot, but I decided to adapt, and keep it going anyways. Adding this stuff with Krissy is just too much, and is very very random and hard to believe as a reader.

[Lightstorm]

I think I could help with it, I should be able to ft it in with what I've got planned, the initial premise works but its the execution of it that didn't. having Snazicoff just wheel her out was kinda bad, I think perhaps in the coming battle maybe he could steal a helicopter and try to escape with her but Snazicoff is wearing a GDI uniform and they shoot him when he steps out of the helicopter and they take Krissy

as for her finding out maybe instead of it being so simple make it a time coming, like have Krissy and Krissian imediately take a liking to each other, but then Krissy starts having weird visions. eventually Krissian mentions something that sets Krissy off and she remembers everything and runs off. then have her get captured by Nod and taken to somewhere their keeping the prisoners. then she talks to a dying scientist who tells her the truth, she becomes enraged that they lied to her, kills the scientist, breaks free of the cell kills the guards and runs off. this could be happening during the Zen bomb deal.

just an idea.

[Nintyuk]

Sorry I didn't mean to sound that way. I acted very immaturely and improperly and I didn't want to sound over criticism, I'm sorry and i hope i can fix this and get your forgivness.

This post has been edited by Nintyuk: Oct 1 2007, 08:06 PM

[Lightstorm]

hey Ninty here is an idea:
get firefox. it has a built in spell checker. either that or actually take the time to reread your posts and fix the obvious mistakes.
it has skins that will make it look like IE7 if thats why your using it but IE7 is much worse, it lags, it has no spell checker, the tabs are a pain to use and its generally annoying.

32
thats how many spelling errors I found just skimming your last post. now count the errors in mine. see the difference? and it probably took me less time to write this then it took you to do yours. taking the time to spell things correctly is worth it.

[Team Black]

Ninty, I'm 19 and in college, and have passd a number of college level writing classes with very high grades.
In 2006, I also won a local playwright contest (6 plays chosen out of more than 100, to perform at Geva Theatre)

Reading your little books and all the time and working at a library is evidently not enough to make you a good writer, and if you think that any of that makes you above criticism, you're free to make your own story in another topic, as this one obviously isn't good enough for you.
BTW while you're "regularly posting", I'm working my #@$% off on 6 page papers on John Locke.
The reason I ignored your writing is because it was too dam difficult to bother reading, and even when I took a good look at it to edit it, quite frankly, it's not in the least bit interesting. More like something that belongs in Pokemon, or yu-ge-oh or something.

As much as I want everyone to participate in the story, even more important is the quality of the story itself.
What I'm asking isn't hard, just keep it believable, interesting, have good grammar, and listen to criticism!

This post has been edited by Team Black: Oct 1 2007, 02:23 PM

[Lightstorm]

like I said. give me a way to edit it it TB and I'll fix it up.