Roleplay under construction, (merged with the Ninty topic) Options

[Team Black]

hey uh, where did the roleplay go?

Just like roleplay MKI, there's become a lot of chaos and disorientation in the roleplay.
It was bound to happen, I just want to put it back on track before it gets too far.
I've set it under 'hidden', since I can't edit posts while the topic is closed. So it's really still there, even though you can't see it (Corsair, you can still see it right?)

I'm doing some hardcore editing on it, on spelling & grammar, removing the ion storm, making the characters a little more believable & less overpowered, and rewording some sections to make more sense to the reader.
TBA some entries were so grammatically bad that I didn't even take the time to read them at first. That's a big NO for us as writers: what's the point of spending the time writing, if all our readers are scared away by run ons and, bad speling, and, too many comas, and cant none even, now wat the frik the stories abut.

I know not everyone has English as a first language, but the rule holds true if you know you're going to bomb the story, please don't write.
Reading it can be just as entertaining

I know a lot of people are putting a lot of time and effort into this RP - if no one reads our roleplay because it's filled with bad writing and a boring story, then all that work has gone to waste. I'm doing what I can to edit out the garbage, so that none of the good work goes to waste

[Team Black]

expect we're all respectable intelligent people with creative minds, so let's see if we can get a good story together, keeping nonsense to a minimum OK
...
feel free to stretch the TS storyline a little, like giving Nod a navy and such like DaTS did in his other story(within reason though of course try not to go off the deep end )
try and maintain the storyline, and keep a plan on how to get your character involved in it - find clever ways to interlink your characters with other people's, or other stuff that happened in TS ~

And yea, have fun, be creative, let's see if we can make a cool CNC story XD
...
>Build up to the action. Don't start right in the middle of a battle, but start developing your character, how they act, so that the reader will be curious to see how your character will react to a confrontation when it arises.
>No "Godmodding" - don't control other people's characters without permission.
>Stay in context. Be sure to read the story so you don't accidentally bring back any dead characters or anything
>Grammar is essential, though I don't think that will be a big problem.

Writing is an art, not everyone is good at it. If you know you're probably going to drop a wrecking ball onto the story, then please, be content to JUST READ IT and enjoy, and give any comments you feel so inclined to leave (in blue, of course )
If I edit any of your stuff, please don't feel offended. I'm just trying to keep everything working together as smoothly as possible OK

By writing in my roleplay, I'm expecting you to agree to these rules, which are listed on the first page. Really, it's not too much to ask - everyone else seems to understand them. And if you can't take criticism, it's another point against you on top of your incoherent spelling and horrable grammar, with a confusing, distracting, badly written plot.
I've said it 100000 times, you can go ahead and make your own role play at any time, and put in whatever oddities that enter your mind.

Most of all, I want to open up the roleplay again and continue the story, but I can't move on until I decide what to do with your character. I can't have the plot go on like you want, it just doesn't fit in the story at all. By a far stretch, it could be a part of Shaw's mission, but even then it still adds a lot of confusion. And, cat girls belong in teeny bopper cutsie anime cartoons, it takes away a whole honking chunk of the gritty apocalyptic CNC feel that we want in this story.

Lightstorm took the liberty of trying to rewrite a section:

Krissy got up from her folding chair outside the juggernaut and stood up stretching.
"I'm going for a walk." she said.
"You should wait." one of the other pilots said. "I think Snazzicoff was looking for you."
"Tell him to shove it." she said getting up. Snazzicoff was always being overly careful of her, make sure to take you meds, don't stay out to long you'll catch a cold... he was worse then her mother.
She started hiking back to the base, the cold ground hurt her feet and she'd been getting an odd headache lately I'll have to have Snazzicoff look at that she thought, rubbing the throbbing spot on her temple. as she approached the base she saw a plane fly overhead and come down steeply. it looked like an old A-10, weird I wonder what A-10's are doing still flying. then it occurred to her. She'd never seen or heard of an A-10 before, so how did she know that is what it was called? her head hurt worse but she kept going, something about that plane had a strange pull. she walked down the deserted streets to the spot the plane had crashed. Her head was pounding, she thought she might pass out from the pain but she kept going.
Krissy ran her hands gently over the polished surface of the plane, caressing the smooth burnished steel. The plane was like a long lost friend, but she'd never seen it before. She nearly cried looking at the mangled undercarriage but it was minor damage, she could fix it. how? how can I fix it? I don't know how, but I do know! she climbed up onto the top and looked in the cockpit, cluttered with random trinkets, she'd never seen any of this stuff before, but she knew all of it by heart, that was the old bobble head she'd gotten in Japan, even though she'd never been there, there were the dogtags of her squad mates, whom she'd never met and yet knew as if they were her best friends, there was the purple heart she'd gotten when she'd been shot in the leg, even though there was no scar, the pain and her head was white hot, she couldn't think straight, what was going on? who's plane is this? is it mine? how can if be? I've never seen it before! but I've flown it! I know these controls by heart! everything seemed warped, off balance, she heard someone shouting at her but she couldn't understand them, their voice was warbled as if underwater. she stumbled to the edge of the plane and fell off. Rising unsteadily to her feet she looked up at a person's face, her face, but no it was a man's face, she wasn't a man, and he was older.
"AReee yoooU okaAYYY? she heard him say. and when she heard his voice, her voice, something in her snapped. her brain just shut off and she ran, running on all fours, going faster then any person should be able to, out of the base into the woods. she didn't think, she didn't stop, she just ran.

My critique: I appreciate the effort Lightstorm, it's a big improvement from what it was before.
I know you're trying to copy Ninty's way of having her magically start remembering stuff, but that's one of the big things I wanted to avoid.
That, and her random running off. That's really bad, I won't tolerate that at all. She is way too insecure to be a soldier.
Like I said before, I could picture this all legitimately plausible in some anime cartoon or something, but
THIS IS NOT ANIME!!!
Someone in the military will have to have integrity, regardless of male or female. I would even expect military women to have more integrity than men, to put up with being hit on all the time - lonely guys in stressful situations is a bad combination- which is why in REALITY, you'll find considerably less enlisted females than males (in our roleplay, it seems like ALL our recent characters are female )
Ramsden was an excellent example of an army woman - she was strong, brave, held her own as the only female among a whole troop of males. Props to Corsair, though I wish he didn't kill her off..

In conclsion: I can't keep Krissy's story as it is, and it'll really take too much time and effort to make it all work.
I just want to finish editing the story, so we can all continue.
I really have no reason to not kill Krissy off at this point for all our sakes, except that I'm a nice guy.
Your recent behavior has worn that factor pretty thin as well...

This post has been edited by Team Black: Oct 3 2007, 10:03 PM